


Freedom to be Ourselves

by Tshilaba



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 04:48:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3715639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tshilaba/pseuds/Tshilaba





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daisybrien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisybrien/gifts).



"D'you ever feel like a caged animal? Like everything is ordered out for you and you have no choice in the matter?"

When they were nine, Levi could have convinced himself that she was talking about school, since she always complained about the curriculum and how the library never had the books she wanted because "they're not appropriate for children" and "excuse me for wanting to actually _know_ about reproduction and not shock-value rants about venereal diseases and 'close your legs or you're a slut' pregnancy prevention talks".

But since she had grown awkwardly into a lanky ball of anxiety and stress... It was obvious her cage was her family.

At twelve she'd pleaded to be called something other than Zoe because, while it was a beautiful name, it was too feminine. No one but Levi and Erwin, and their families, listened and she retaliated by changing her clothing style. She'd already preferred t-shirts and pants, but from that day forward she refused all else unless absolutely necessary.

Just after her fourteenth birthday, she was visited by a new hell in the form of Mother Nature's sledge hammer. And, late one November night, in a fit of rage at the "act your age" and "you're a girl, act like it" comments, she whacked her hair off in what could pass for an undercut. Her family complained that she'd whacked all her hair off to be "that way". She simply told them that being homosexual was not something to be ashamed of, but she was not that way. They grounded her for a month.

Six months later, she and Levi somehow managed to find themselves in what could be considered a relationship. Though it wasn't all that different from how they'd been most of their lives, her family considered it a step in the "right" direction. Hange ignored their words, of course. Levi made her happy; it was something she'd done for herself.

3 a.m. on a Wednesday night, mid-February, his phone went off. Cursing under his breath, he fumbled for the now-dark device on his bedside table. Sliding it open, he found a text from her simply saying 'Are you up?'. He sighed and sent back 'I am now.'. The apology was almost instant and he swore aloud before dialing her number.

She picked up on the third ring, like she always did. "Hey," she said quietly.

"What's wrong?"

"I dunno, I--" She cut herself off and Levi could see her pressing her hand to her mouth as plain as if she were in front of him, fist tilted ever so slightly that the knuckle of her index finger pressed against her lips.

"Don't apologize," he said, shifting to lean back against the head of the bed. "I actually woke up about a minute before you texted and wondered why the hell I was up at such a god-awful hour." He paused when she chuckled softly. "Your parents are asleep, aren't they?"

"Uh-huh..." There was a small sound, like the painfully familiar sound she made when she was fighting not to cry. "I'm really getting sick of them... Like...all their self-righteous...I just--ugh!"

"Zo, do you want me to come stay for a while?"

"Nah, they'd just think we were fucking," she replied.

Her blatancy was only slightly surprising. After all, her filter had fallen away quite early in their friendship. What bothered him was the crudeness. She wasn't exactly virgin-tongued, and the last time she'd been allowed near Pixie Stix she'd gotten so messed up he, Rico and Erwin had made a pact to never let her touch them again after the things that flowed from her mouth, but usually her language only got so foul when she was immensely aggravated. One time in particular that he recalled was when she'd had to climb through the kitchen window, thinking her parents had locked her out when they left when in fact her mother had been in their room and "couldn't hear her". Which, Levi felt, was total bull. But he'd heard her entire rant over the phone and was honestly amazed at the vibrancy of her language.

"What happened?" he prodded. He knew something was bothering her. Nearly a decade of friendship meant it was impossible to not know.

There was a long silence on her end of the line before she finally heaved a sigh and said "Just the usual. Been so busy with school and trying to be their perfect little genius that I just...fuck."

He didn't need her to go on. She had a bad habit of getting so involved in her projects that "picking up after oneself" fell out of her capabilities. He was surprised she was at least keeping up with her personal hygiene this time around. He let out a heavy sigh. "I'll come clean tomorrow afternoon."

"Le--"

"Just shut up. I'm doing it, Four Eyes."

"Mmm... Okay, Wevi," she mumbled, sleepiness beginning to slur her words. "See you in the morning?"

"Of course," he replied.

"Mm." She mumbled something else before there was a thump as her phone landed on the floor beside her bed as she drifted off to sleep.

Levi sighed and shook his head, clicking 'end' and setting his phone back on his bedside table before slipping back under his covers and falling back asleep.

There was little incident after that until, just before her nineteenth birthday, she tearfully asked him if they could go back to being friends because the stress of romance and all to entailments was simply too much for then. Levi couldn't help but chuckle--because how could he possibly leave one of the few people who understood him, and didn't make him want to smash their skull against the nearest solid object, simply because they didn't want to date?--before assuring her he'd stay with her through every choice she made and getting a rib-crushing hug in response.

And then, she went away to college, with dreams of becoming a doctor and helping people. Erwin went to work at his father's law firm the next town over. Levi, however, chose to stay and get a job to help his parents. It bothered him that he couldn't keep an eye on Hange, but she spoke highly of her roommate. And Farlan and Isabel were still in school. So he resigned himself to trusting a stranger to take care of his crazy Four Eyes because his little siblings needed him.

However, after her twenty-first birthday, her grandmother grew ill. It was understandable; she was old, after all. But it hit Hange hard, because her grandmother was one of the few family members who didn't tear down everything she was. He could see the pain in her eyes as they sat in the den they'd grown up in, the only room that wasn't packed with people all in various states of unrest. He sat next to her on the floor, their backs against the wall, while she pulled her knees to her chest. Every day she was dragged there she sat in the same spot, unless she was forced to go into the bedroom.

On the fourth day, she brought in a small piece of fabric and her sewing kit. She didn't look up from her work as she began making tiny x's with her needle and thread when she answered his questioning looking. "She taught me this and I taught myself how to sew from that. If she's..." Her voice stuck in her throat and she swallowed hard before she shoved her glasses up into her hair and bent further over her stitching. "It's my way of thanking her."

He sighed and took her glasses gently, folding the stems, and set them on the table before sitting down next to her. Normally, she despised having people watch over shoulder, but somehow, she'd always let him do it. He noticed she was stitching what looked like a patch emblazoned with a pair of wings. It seemed...familiar for some reason. "Hey, Zo?"

"Hm?" She pulled a length of blue, practically cerulean, thread from her kit and threading her needle before beginning to fill the feathers in on the left-hand wing.

"What are you stitching?"

She was silent for some time before she said quietly "I don't know, exactly. But it feels important to me."

They sat in silence until the final night, when she got dragged into what was supposed to be a family discussion which quickly soured into a fight and the first time since their grade school years that she'd cried in front of her family. After her dad and aunt stormed off, Levi let her have a few minutes to talk with her cousins and was unsurprised when she burrowed herself into his side later that night, shaking with emotion.

I _hate_ this," she mumbled into his shirt. "I just want it to be over..." She looked up at him. "Is that bad?"

"Of course not," he assured her gently. "You care about her and hate seeing her in pain. You want her to know it's okay to let go."

"Yeah..."

They stayed curled up in the corner that night, and the next. There weren't many beds to begin with, and Hange disliked sharing beds with any of them. But the night before the funeral, most of her family refused to sleep in her grandmother's room. Hange sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'll do it," she said. It was where she'd spent the night nearly every time she'd stayed before after all. Levi curled up on the couch in the living room by himself, listening to her dad and cousin talk preparations. He snorted under his breath before rolling over to face the back of the couch and closing his eyes. Hange wasn't the only one who wanted it to be over.

It was some time later that he felt something jerking his arm and he opened his eyes to see a wide-eyed Hange, her hair slipping from behind her ears to fall into her eyes, leaning over him as she tugged on his arm.

He sat up, hand immediately reaching to tuck the rebellious strands behind her ear. "What's wrong, Zo?" he whispered.

"I heard 'em," she said, awe creeping into her voice. "In my dream, I could hear two people talking. One felt like Grandma, but the other... Ezzie, it felt like my dad but...more. I think it was Grandpa!"

He frowned slightly, not from disbelief, but more from her use of a pet name of his middle name. "What do you mean? He died the year be--"

"Before I was born. Yes, I know. But I feel it."

He sighed. "Why couldn't this have waited until morning?"

Her excitement vanished as her eyes fell to her feet. "..I don't feel comfortable in there anymore. I feel like..like I'm intruding..."

He pulled her gently down onto the couch and pulled the blanket over her as she snuggled into his side and tucked her feet underneath herself. "Just try to get some sleep, okay?"

She mumbled something sleepily and slipped an arm around his waist.

At the funeral she didn't cry. But once they got home and she could escape to his house, she clung to him and wailed until she finally fell asleep. The next morning she went home, mumbling things about having to help her family get back on their feet financially. Though he was suspicious, he let her go. It was her choice, of course.


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't expect to open his front door at 4 a.m. a month later to see her looking so...horrible.

"You look like you took the piss with death," he muttered. If he hadn't been up, his parents or Isabel would have heard the knocks on the door, and he couldn't help but wonder why she didn't just throw a rock at his window to get his attention. He sighed. "C'mon, Four Eyes."

She followed him upstairs and sat down on his bed, arms wound around herself as if she were freezing or in pain.

Even though his first instinct was to reach out and hold her, he restrained himself. Ever since her declaration that she sometimes didn't feel like a girl, she'd asked to not be touched without permission. It was especially bothersome now of all times. Instead, he went back to organizing his books, as he had been before she came.

For quite some time they carried on in silence, Levi alphabetizing books and Hange staring at her feet, until she spoke, very quietly, and he froze, unsure if he'd heard her right.

"I came to tell you goodbye," she murmured.

"What on earth are you talking about?" He turned around, crossing to the bed and sitting down next to her. "Zo, what's wrong? If you don't want me to see you crying, well... I don't know what to tell you. It doesn't make you weak."

"It's not that..."

"Then what?" He cupped her face gently, pulling it a little so he could look her in the eyes. "Zoe, please tell me."

She lowered her arms before shakily pushing her sleeves up to her elbows. There were a few scars scattered up to her elbows and cloth, hastily wrapped around her wrists, blossoming red. "I don't want to feel like this anymore..." she mumbled, looking away from him.

He pulled her tight against his chest. "Zoe, I--"

"They blame me for e-everything," she said, her voice wavering as she wound her arms around his waist and buried her face against his chest. "Their debt's my fault. Grandma too. So I thought m-maybe...if I just ended it... But 'm jus' a coward."

He pushed her back by her shoulders and shook her firmly. "It is _not_ your fault."

"Bu--"

"No. No fuckin' buts. It is not your fault. None of it, understand? And not being able to take your own life isn't cowardly. It means you want to believe there's a solution and you wanna keep living." Her glasses were foggy and her eyes were red, but he couldn't imagine loving her more than he did at that moment. He moved his hands to her face and held it gently. "Hange, I want you to look at me, okay?"

She did, slowly.

"I'll help make things better, okay? I won't let you be alone again. I promise."

Her hands slid over his, gripping them briefly before she latched onto him again, sobbing loudly.

He sighed and wrapped an arm around her gently as he stroked her hair. She was definitely going to wake Isabel and their parents.

As he thought, Isabel burst through the door only a few minutes later. "Big bro, I heard--oh gosh, what's wrong with Hange?"

"It's a long story, Bella."

Before he could continue, she burst out angrily, green eyes flashing dangerously, "Whoever hurt my big sib's gonna get their fuckin' ass kicked."

"Calm down, Firecracker." He ignored the pout on his sister's face at the nickname. "Go get Mom and Dad, okay?"

"Sure you don't want me to stay with Hange? I mean, Mom and Dad are gonna wanna know what's going on an' all."

He squeezed the brunette's shoulder gently. "You okay with that?"

She sniffled quietly, drying her eyes before she nodded. "Yeah. I'm a little better now."

"Alright. Bella's gonna stay with you, okay?" he said as Isabel sat down next to Hange. When she nodded, he squeezed her shoulder gently before getting up and leaving the room, shutting the door behind himself. He walked downstairs to find his dad leaning back against the counter as the coffee trickled slowly down into the pot.

"You're up early, kiddo."

"Couldn't sleep, so I was organizing my bookshelves."

"Of course. Your tea's over there."

Levi nodded. His dad had an uncanny way of knowing when an important talk was needed. He picked up the mug before leaning back against the table. "Hange's upstairs with Bella."

"Oh? What happened?"

"I..." He stared into his tea for a moment. "I told you about her depression."

"You did. And we've always tried to make her feel loved and accepted here."

"Yeah, I know. But her parents...they piss me off. They've always made her feel like shit."

The older man nodded solemnly. "I take it that's why she's here?"

"Partly... Dad, I'm scared for her. She showed me her wrists and.."

"She needs to be removed from that toxic environment. Immediately." The mug clacked against the counter and in lighter circumstances Levi would have worried for the thing. "Your mother and I will get her things today. Tell Bella to get ready for school after she calls Farlan."

"She had a roommate in college."

"See if you can get in touch with her and see if she can bring her things down here."

"Okay. Um, Dad?"

"Yeah, son?"

"I..."

"She's family, Levi. You don't turn your back on family."

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."

He patted his son on the shoulder. "Exactly. Tell your little sister to be ready by 6."

"Will do."

He walked back to his room to find Hange passed out on Isabel's chest.

The redhead was running her fingers through the chocolate strands gently. "She started snifflin' again," she explained softly. "We ended up like this and she calmed down and fell asleep."

He nodded in understanding. Isabel was one of the few other than himself or Erwin that had an almost unearthly way of tuning into Hange's needs without her speaking. "Dad wants you to call Farlan."

"Aw, Big Bro," she whined. "Yanno how she is when she's moved."

Levi sighed and ran a hand through his hair tiredly. She was right, of course. Sometimes Hange could be downright volatile when disturbed. "Fine. I'll call Farlan. Take care of her, okay?"

"No..." she yawned widely before continuing, "...problem, bro."

"Dad said be ready at the usual time."

"Mkay," she mumbled.

"That means don't fall back asleep."

"'S four in the mornin'..." she whined in protest.

"You heard me."

Hange stirred then, pushing herself up onto her elbows. "...going back downstairs?"

"Yeah, you wanna come with me?"

She nodded and crawled off the bed, stumbling over to him and latching onto his arm.

They made their way downstairs and she slipped away from him to sit down in a chair at the table.

He put together some tea for her and set it aside to brew before dialing his brother's number. On the third ring, there was a groggy mumble. "Farlan."

"Wha'? Le'i, it.s four in the mornin'."

"Yeah, I know. But you need to get down here."

"I got exams toda--"

"It's a family emergency."

"Oh... OH. Yeah. Sure. I'll be there ASAP, bro. Packing now." There was a loud thunk and a grumbled curse before Farlan continued. "I'll email my teachers. I should be there by this evening, traffic willing."

"Alright. See you then." He ended the call and set his phone down on the counter when he noticed Hange's change in mood, shoulders trembling slightly. "Han..." He moved over to her and put an arm around her shoulders gently. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head fiercely. "'S nothin'."

"It's not 'nothing'," he sighed, pulling a chair closer to hers. "Tell me what's bothering you."

"I just feel bad you guys are doing so much for me."

"Don't, okay? We just care about you and want you happy, alright?"

She nodded.

"Hey, I think your tea's ready now," he said after a few minutes of silence. He got up to get it, but she reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing gently.

"Can I have some milk?"

"Of course."

She nodded and let go, her hand moving to fiddle with a strand of hair.

He walked to the fridge and took the milk out and poured a bit into her tea, stirring it a few times before putting the milk away and mixing the sugar in and setting it on the table in front of her. He got his own and sat down beside her.

She picked up her mug and stared into the liquid for a time. "Does Erwin know?" Her voice was soft and pensive.

"Do you want him to?" He took a sip of his tea, watching her thoughtfully.

"Yeah...it's only fair." She took a drink, still staring at a spot on the table cloth. "D'you think he'll be mad?"

"No. He'll be concerned. But not mad. He cares about you, Zo. We all do."

She just nodded.

By noon he'd called Farlan to check and see how things were going, washed the dishes from breakfast, vacuumed the first and second floors and washed and dried all of the clothes.

Hange was asleep on the couch, her hair fanned out around her as she curled in on herself, laying on her side.

Levi brushed a stray strand of hair away from her face gently. He was honestly surprised her parents hadn't called yet, demanding she come home. He walked upstairs to check her phone, as it was plugged into Isabel's charger. Six calls and nearly twenty messages had been missed. He frowned, not recognizing the number. He dialed it.

"FINALLY!"

He cringed and held the phone away from his ear.

"Ah swear, Zoh, ya really know how ta worry me. Jesus."

"Do you always yell when people call you?"

There was a flustered squeak. "You're not Zoe!"

"No. I'm not. I take it you're her roommate?"

"Oh, y'must be Levi then. Sorry, I just hadn't heard from her since she left to go back home when her grandmother got ill."

Levi frowned. That was...odd. Usually Hange was constantly texting someone. To just completely...

"Is she okay?"

He was silent for a few minutes, thinking. "It's hard to say," he answered carefully."Is there any way you can bring her stuff down?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, no prob! My dad lives in that town, so I can just say that I'm coming to visit."

"Alright...you're not going to ask?"

"It's Hange. When I'm supposed to know, I'll know."

"Right. I'll text you my address, and I'll see you when you get here."

She really did find a good one...

He texted the address and set Hange's phone back down before walking downstairs to check on her.

She stirred only slightly, her face twitched as he brushed a strand of hair away. A small bit of the bandages peeked out from under her sleeve and he could see a splash of red against the pale white; he'd have to change them again as she must have worked them open again in her sleep. He ruffled her hair gently and watched as she snuffled and opened her eyes slowly. "Hey, sleepy head."

"Hey..."

"Are you hungry?"

"Mm...maybe a little. But my arms are a li'l' sore..."

"You worked 'em open in your sleep, see?" He pointed to the spotting. "We'll have to change the bandages."

She nodded sleepily and ran a hand through her hair.

"What do wanna eat?"

She shrugged. "Surprise me, I guess."

He sighed. "Alright." He walked to the kitchen. "I'll make you an omelette."

"'Kay."

When he brought her the food, however, she tugged his arm gently and he knelt down beside the couch. "What is it?"

"You're not...I mean..." She wasn't looking at him, which was a clear sign she was debating, and probably over thinking, her words. "You're not gonna make me go back, are you?"

"What? Hell no. You're staying with us. End of story."

"But my things--"

He tucked her hair behind her ear and her eyes darted to his own. "I have it handled, okay? Just eat your omelette and then I'll change your bandages."

She nodded, looking away briefly before meeting his eyes again. "If they still hurt?"

"Then I'll find something to ease the pain."

"'Kay... Can...can we cuddle?"

"You want me to hold you while you eat?"

"Please? I...I feel like I'm falling apart right now. When Bella held me earlier, and played with my hair...it didn't feel so bad. But...when I feel you touch me...I just feel really safe..."

"Just wanted to make sure it's what you wanted..."

She nodded earnestly. "Please?" she asked again, looking at him imploringly.

He sighed and sat down next to her; letting her snuggle into his side. "Where do you want my arm?"

She paused for a moment before pulling his arm around her waist, and picking up her plate and taking a bite of her food. "...you don't have to be so delicate," she mumbled quietly.

He tightened his arm around her and she sighed, nuzzling his neck briefly before returning her attention to her food.

After a few minutes, she set her plate on the coffee table before shifting to put her legs over his lap and curl into his side. She made a small, content sound in her throat. "Levi always makes the best omelettes. You should teach Sasha sometime..." She yawned and nuzzled against his neck.

"Get some more sleep, Zo. You need it."

"Mmhmm..."

He opened his eyes again when the front door creaked open.

Hange was still curled up on his lap, one hand clutching at his t-shirt.

"So, I see you've cleaned. You never give yourself a break, do you, kiddo?"

"Not when I could be useful."

His dad chuckled, his voice low. "So did you get in touch with her roommate?"

"Yeah. Apparently her dad lives in town, so she's going to come for a visit and bring Hange's stuff with her. I still need to call Erwin though."

His dad nodded. "Why don't you do that while I start dinner?"

"Okay."

"How're her wrists?"

"I think they worked open a little while she slept while I was cleaning."

"Change the bandages after she showers, okay?"

"Alright."

Isabel stuck her head in the doorway. "Daddy? Farlan's here."

"Oh, good."

Hange stirred then, shifting slightly away from him. She rubbed her eyes. "You need some help with your homework, Bella?"

"Only if you wanna, Hange."

The brunette nodded, climbing to her feet to follow the redhead as Levi rose as well.

"I'm going to call Erwin," he said.

His dad nodded and left the room, heading for the kitchen.

Farlan stood near the door, watching his brother carefully. "Look," he began slowly. "I know you and Hange don't like talking about things, or can't at times, but..."

"Her parents are assholes."

"This just in: Water is wet."

The raven rolled his eyes. "We're getting her away from them."

"That explains why Mom and Dad brought a truckful of her things. So she's okay with these pronouns? What about Zoe?"

He shrugged in response.

"I'll play it safe and stay with Hange then."

Levi nodded.

"Need me to do anything?"

"Help me with her things."

Jillian Ackerman stepped into the doorway, her flaming red hair slung back in a loose ponytail that had made its way over her shoulder, a box in her arms.

"That's her art stuff," Levi said, stepping forward to take the box from his mother's hands. "How'd you manage to fit it all in here?"

"Very carefully," she answered. "Come on, Farlan. Your brother needs to call Erwin. Come help me get this stuff into his room."

"You're letting her stay in my room?"

"Why so shocked?" she laughed. "She trusts you the most. Come on, Farlan."

"Yes, ma'am."

Lev shrugged, setting the box down by the couch, before picking his phone up and collapsing onto the couch, dialing his friend.

Erwin picked up on the fifth ring. "Hello, Levi, what is it? I'm rather busy right now."

"It's about Hange."

There was a thunk! on the other end of the line. "What's wrong? Do you want me to come home?"

"Nice to see you're willing to drop everything for her, but just tell me you're busy. I'm more than just a weekend fuck yanno."

There was a sigh. "Levi, if something happened to you, Hange would have dragged me over there. And if it wasn't important, you would have just texted it to me and I would get it when I got home. You chose to call, which implies that it's important. So what happened?"

"I don't know...exactly... She just showed up at four am. Broke down into tears and showed me the cuts and scars on her arms. Told me her parents blamed her for everything. Mom and Dad went and got her things. Farlan's helping Mom unpack them now. And her roommate's bringing her stuff down."

"Shit. Okay. I'll postpone the meeting."

"Erwin--"

"No, Levi. I'm coming."

"Ugh. Fine. See You then."

He sighed and pocketed his phone just as his brother passed by, struggling with a box. "Give that here..." He took it from him and carried it upstairs.


End file.
